Egg-xellent Dilemas

Making decisions has never been my forte.

I am decisively indecisive and worry immediately after finally making a decision if it's the right one. This boils down to even figuring out which restaurant we should eat at followed by a panic order which I always regret so I seem to always be in a state of anxiety with the clammy hands to match. I know, ridiculous. So imagine someone sitting down and saying the treatment you are about to receive will leave you infertile but will save your life. Do you want to spend a few weeks saving your eggs or crack on (pun intended) with the life saving treatment pronto to avoid the cancer spreading.

'Fuck' I say internally as I know right then and there the pickle I will get myself in trying to figure this bad boy out! Please excuse my crudeness but that same word has been circling my head for days, just like those little birdies do when a disney character bumps it's noggin. Whirling round, not reaching an end.... just continuing.

I have spent the last few years not really too concerned as to whether I want children or not but at the same time I have never been in the situation to really sit down and assess what I want, so how would I know anyway. I have never been near the stage in my life where children were the next step so being asked now, do you want to save your eggs for future sproglins just seems bonkers. My initial thoughts have always been, well life is complicated enough as it is without adding a living creature which you have to grow, feed and keep alive! If ever the conversation came up with friends I immediately say, hmm I am not that fussed really. I have spent my life hating my body, struggled with depression and maybe it is because I am young and naive but I personally don't see my life improving with children. But what happens in 10 years? When I am settled, my body clock starts ticking and some natural alarm in my head starts ringing telling me how broody I am? Or is that all a myth?

I start weighing up the options you know, pros and cons list! Fertility treatment doesn't guarantee perfect egg collection and baby growing in the best of circumstances but add 6 months of aggressive chemo to the mix, what are the chances of whatever eggs collected even working? I heard there is not much evidence to support eggs collected after chemotherapy treatment will even work but also a possibility that the child grown from said eggs will be at risk of childhood cancer. I mean come on... But if you have the time, is it worth just taking the risk and collecting some eggs just in case?

As you can see from my blog, my head is all over the place! When I started weighing up the flip side I realised I was veering towards saving my eggs for the wrong reasons. What if I am with someone who really would love children the au natural way and I can't provide that. How do you approach that conversation? 'Oh by the way, I may not be able to have kids.' When do you even broach that conversation. Would I need to broach that conversation. What happens if in a few years time my partner decides it's imperative they want kids and I can't give them to him, and he leaves?

Enough - this is one of the main times in my life I have got to make a decision for Georgie and a decision that's best for Georgie. End of. I went back to the drawing board and really summed up the situation. To have fertility treatment it would be around a 2-4 week process depending on where you are in your cycle, a bunch of scans & injections, hospital appointments, referrals - so that's it, no egg saving purely down to inconvenience. Hmm nope, I can't base my decision on something that will have much larger implications down the road purely on inconvenience! So what does a gal who gets herself in a pickle over the simplest tasks of what to eat do, she umms and arrrs over it for a few more days to then again... HAVE NO IDEA!

Jeez what on earth am I do to. I have to think about me and me is someone who has cancer in them as we speak, a disease that is trying to kill me AGAIN, already a delay as I needed serious surgery to get a fresh biopsy, me is someone who has battled with depression & anxiety, with the aforementioned anxiety ever increasing since being told there is cancer activity inside me and the longer I know it is inside me and I am not receiving treatment, the more worried I am getting. I need to think of my life right now and just hope that older Georgie understands that the decision was made to look after her when she needed it most.

Final decision accomplished - No fertility treatment.

**By no means is this blog written to persuade or influence anyone's personal decision making on their body & health. These a merely my own ponderings. The only thing I want to pass on is when you are faced with the biggest decisions of your life, you have to make the decision. Do not let anyone else sway your thoughts.