Why can't the side effects be a pert bottom & a tan

Trying to find a fun & light-hearted way to explain the endless list of side effects I experience from chemo may prove to be slightly difficult but I will give it my best shot! This is currently my 4th draft as it ends up being some epic novel rather than a short blog post, and lets be honest ain't nobody got time for that!

I mentioned in a previous blog, just before you undergo your first chemo the doc hands you a War & Peace sized document with all the rather nasty 'possible' side effects. You work your way down the list and see:

1. Hair loss
2. Mouth ulcers
3. Tiredness
4. Diarrhea AND constipation
5. Flu-like symptoms - shivers & temperature
6. Change in blood pressure
7. Hot flushes
8. Altered sense of taste
9. Sore mouth
10. Nausea
11. Ringing in ears
12. Skin/ nail changes
13. Tingling/ numbness in fingers and toes
14. Chemo brain - This one was not on the official list but let's be honest, it should be!

Not to brag or anything, but I either have experienced or am still experiencing all of those wonderful side effects. What I don't understand is why can't the side effects ever be, long luscious locks, glowing skin, toned abs.... The list above isn't the extensive one, some other possible side effects are; secondary cancer, kidney, lung, heart & liver problems, blood clots, infection, infertility, oh and death! I am hoping to avoid these ones as I feel I ticked enough of the above boxes!

ABVD (Doxorubican, Vinblastine, Dacarbazine and Brentuximab, I know, quite a mouthful. Try saying those after a couple of vinos) are the names of the drugs I have. It is quite an aggressive form of chemotherapy but it is proven to have a high success rate, so my theory is they blast you with the big guns right off the bat as hopefully that'll do the trick! I have 6 cycles of chemo, 1 cycle is 28 days and in each cycle I receive two rounds of chemo 14 days apart. So in total, 12 chemos to smash!

I didn't really know what to expect from my first chemo - when do the side effects kick in, will it hurt, will I be sitting with a bucket on my lap? Well the day itself was somewhat ok, I was my usual bubbly and positive self, determined from day 1 to make chemo friends but all that changed when the chemo drugs started going in through the cannula! Holy macaroni and cheese it hurt! I have tricky little veins that enjoy making the nurses hunt for blood at my displeasure so to have chemo through my veins in my arm was pretty nasty. The drugs are vein irritants which meant for someone with diddy veins, it hurt like *beeping* *beeper* *beep!* So much so they had to change arms half way through and use a heating pad to try and help my veins expand! Thankfully, after my first chemo I had a port inserted into my chest which makes accessing blood a lot easier and having chemo pain free.

Two days passed by where I felt at most a little worn out (mostly due to lack of sleep from steroids) and started thinking to myself, jeez this is going to be a walk in the park. How naive was I? All of a sudden I felt like I had been hit by a dam bus. Pains in my chest, my bones, my blood. It was like little shards of glass floating around my whole body. The best way to imagine this is the chemo is breaking up the tumours in my body and then the toxic ickiness is being carried around my body, hence the pain. Then the mouth pain, I hadn't developed ulcers but I may as well have as it felt like I was chewing on stingy nettles and swallowing them! This was hard to handle as you can't eat, can't drink and just can't build up the strength to battle through. Now, as we are talking side effects, I must also mention a bit of toilet talk, my apologies in advance. When they say, side effects of constipation and diarrhea, they weren't joking. You just don't know if you are coming or going! 

Personally, I found the 1st chemo by far the worst. I think it is such a shock to the system that your body just has a melt down. As each chemo has come and gone, the nasty side effects have eased more and more (or I have just gotten used to it) and now my main issue is fatigue. I am exhausted, the thought of even getting up to get a glass of water can sometimes seem like mount Everest. You progressively lose all your muscle and strength to the point where opening a bottle of water is too hard and you need to ask your 60 year old mother to do it for you! (sorry mum). 

It seems as I write this, I keep thinking of more of the never ending list of bodily functions that chemo affects. Sitting here, 4 days post my 11th chemo I am battling to stop myself burping whilst having a mental battle for what I would like to chow for dinner. I am a gal that likes her food, but recently everything I eat tastes like cardboard or just a bit funky. I tend to eat a mouthful of my food, find it tastes all kinds of wrong so naturally force the closest person next to me to take a bite and see if it tastes funky too or if it just me! Usually it's just me... 

Its hard to share every detail of chemo side effects as it changes so regularly. You can be painfully bloated one moment, to needing to be burped another, your hair falls out and then so do your eyelashes and eyebrows, you feel nauseous one second but then exhausted the next. Oh, and I cry, A LOT post chemo! I class this as a side effect so I don't feel like such a wuss but I think this may just be me. It really is such a roller coaster.  

Chemo Side Effects Survival Tips:

• Hot water bottles are your new best friend. I get stabbing pains in my chest and neck from chemo and live with a hot water strapped to my chest to help this. Hot baths also do the trick! Any type of pain in your bones or body - Heat!! I got my hot water bottle from The White Company and it is incredibly fluffy and magical
• Paracetamol - You have to make sure you do your temperature before taking this but it helps with keeping your temperature down to avoid the frequent A&E trips. 
• Soft/ children's toothbrushes - brush after every meal. Dental hygiene is so important! 
• Mouthwashes for the pain - I use Gel Clear which my hospital gave me and I swear by it, Difflam is also a winner. If my mouth is bad I first swill and swallow dissolvable paracetamol and then use a mouth wash.
• Nanna Naps - Whenever your body needs a recharge, let it. Napping will become your new favorite past time. Just drop wherever you need to, who cares if you are on aisle 5 at Tescos?
• Moisturize - you are about to become an old man's heel, the best way to try and avoid this to moisturize like there is no tomorrow. Avoid perfumed creams as your skin is now super sensitive. I live for Simple products! 
• Face masks - These are amazing. Chemo leaves you at risk of infection so if you still want to feel human and go outside, wear a face mask. I got mine from Amazon and can get all sorts of colours. I am pretty gangsta so love a black one.