The good, the bad & the ugly
I have wanted to write a blog about relationships and cancer for a little while but I hadn't been able to decide what direction I wanted to take with it. You see I have had both negative and positive experiences with friends and family throughout my treatment and unfortunately the negative ones have stuck at the forefront of my noggin! So although I have formed and reinforced some of my relationships which obviously I will touch upon, I will be quite brutally honest and discuss what I experienced.
The day comes where you are hit with a metaphorical bus size of news, you have cancer. Immediately I got a whirlwind of love and responses once I shared the news. For the first week, I didn't want to see anyone as I had to get my head around the news myself and I couldn't bare to talk about it but when I had come to terms with my new reality my friends and family all flocked to see me. I received flowers, cards, gifts, hampers, calls, messages - the kindness was so overwhelming and I just couldn't believe how amazing everyone was. As I said earlier, I may come across slightly cynical at times in this post but I want people to understand the best way to support someone going through cancer by perhaps learning from others mistakes. The influx of offers to pop by or to take me to chemotherapy happened when in reality only a couple of friends/ family truly meant it. I said to many people, I would love for friends to come with me but I am not going to directly ask because some people may not want to, it's a long boring day, time off work, they may be uncomfortable in hospitals and if I asked they may have felt like they had to. So I made it clear, I would love the company but I need you to say 'I want to come to chemo.' I think at first it is all (to put it bluntly) exciting, you have a friend with cancer, you want to help and be there but the novelty wears off and you carry on your usual life.
Don't get me wrong, I know it isn't all about me but suddenly I am unable to be the one who makes the effort. I couldn't drive, the bounds of energy I used to have left my body and all I was good for was a quick coffee round my house, then you would need to be on your way. So that meant my friends and family would have to drive to mine, pick me up, know I would only have a short amount of energy in me and lets be honest, that's not a whole lot of fun so I understand people may have wanted to do other things but I needed support from humans that I thought loved me and unfortunately, it sometimes lacked.
Slowly but surely the phone calls died out, the check in messages stopped and you end up feeling quite alone. You are going through something so horrific that people don't fully understand and you are in this mental and physical battle of wanting to speak to friends and family but sometimes you just don't have the energy. My guess is that when some friends called and I didn't pick up a few times, they gave up a bit, understandably. I should have communicated that I appreciate their calls but perhaps I wasn't well enough to talk but please call back in a few days. It is two sided, I could have just as easily picked up the phone but I just felt like whenever I spoke to people my news was all cancer, how bad the side effects were, how sad the whole thing is.... so I didn't want to be the miserable Mary who called up friends just to moan.
I think one of my saddest points was when I was very low and struggling mentally and none of my friends were aware I needed help. I had to message them and ask them to come around as I hadn't seen any of them or talked to any of them in so long and I seriously needed my friends. I think back and just wish that maybe one of them had come and see me sooner to check in on me. I also found that people kind of forgot about you. I was still up for socialising and seeing people but not many people invited me out down the pub like they did before or to general meet-ups.
Lots of friendships seemed to whittle out as the months went on, less phone calls, less messages, less people checking in on how chemo went and a whole lot less of people coming to see you but this wasn't just with friends. I had family who live pretty darn close who I have seen once. I like to think there is a reason for all of this rather than just people get bored... perhaps they have a bad experience with cancer and it hurts them to see you like this or they may not know what to say.... or they are just bad humans who knows! On the topic of not knowing what to say, this one is a minefield! One day someone could tell me I don't look sick and I would be so grateful and feel very proud of myself but the next, the polar opposite. I would be down right offended I don't look ill and think guh why are they belittling my illness. You just can't win! I also had someone tell me they were jealous of my eyebrows (I had about 5 strands at this point) and I nearly burst into tears as I just thought that is just a lie. A note to cancer patients, everything said is from a place of love. People aren't perfect and most of the time just try to say something to cheer you up, yes it can be way off base but they are trying. If you don't like something, educate them and let them know if something upsets you because they wont do it again. The friends that stick around only want to help.
On the flip side of this, my bond with some of my friends has gone to an all new level of love and respect. I have had some people go above and beyond to check in and make sure I have been supported. There are a handful of people that I would not have been able to get through treatment without. Whether that was because they made it a safe space for me to discuss my feelings, drove me to countless appointments, coming to chemo with me, being my plus one to Trekstock & Charity events or just popping over for a coffee and a chin wag. The ones that could see how truly I was struggling and didn't run or think this is too much effort, but stood with me and weathered the storm.
Speaking of Trekstock (a charity that supports young adults with cancer) I have connected and met so many incredible humans because of them that I couldn't be more grateful to the service they provide. Many of these people I have connected with on Instagram and then because of Trekstock creating safe and fun events for us to get together to either learn, encourage or try something new I have formed an incredible bond with these girls. The rather appropriately & self named group, Badass Babes, are a fiercely supportive group of girls who have either have experienced cancer or are still undergoing treatment and they just so perfectly 'GET IT!'
My parents of course have been with me every step of the way, they have been supports, taxi services, chefs, counselors, hot water bottle providers and now I will forever remain their favorite child (sorry siblings!). Their lives have been put on hold to ensure that mine is comfortable. I also couldn't have gotten through this without my boyfriend. It is amazing how something can push so many people away but truly bring you closer to others. He has been a stream of positive energy and is the one I cry to. He can somehow tell me I am beautiful even when chemo has sucked all the life out of me. He has never complained about picking me up and driving us everywhere, never complained when I have run out of energy and needed to go home and among a million other things he warms up my side of the bed before I get in!
I can safely say that I am coming out the back of cancer with a smaller friendship group than when I went in, but the way I love and appreciate these friends is on another level. I appreciate how even when I cannot provide the effort they doubled theirs.
Top tips on how to help a friend with cancer:
The day comes where you are hit with a metaphorical bus size of news, you have cancer. Immediately I got a whirlwind of love and responses once I shared the news. For the first week, I didn't want to see anyone as I had to get my head around the news myself and I couldn't bare to talk about it but when I had come to terms with my new reality my friends and family all flocked to see me. I received flowers, cards, gifts, hampers, calls, messages - the kindness was so overwhelming and I just couldn't believe how amazing everyone was. As I said earlier, I may come across slightly cynical at times in this post but I want people to understand the best way to support someone going through cancer by perhaps learning from others mistakes. The influx of offers to pop by or to take me to chemotherapy happened when in reality only a couple of friends/ family truly meant it. I said to many people, I would love for friends to come with me but I am not going to directly ask because some people may not want to, it's a long boring day, time off work, they may be uncomfortable in hospitals and if I asked they may have felt like they had to. So I made it clear, I would love the company but I need you to say 'I want to come to chemo.' I think at first it is all (to put it bluntly) exciting, you have a friend with cancer, you want to help and be there but the novelty wears off and you carry on your usual life.
Don't get me wrong, I know it isn't all about me but suddenly I am unable to be the one who makes the effort. I couldn't drive, the bounds of energy I used to have left my body and all I was good for was a quick coffee round my house, then you would need to be on your way. So that meant my friends and family would have to drive to mine, pick me up, know I would only have a short amount of energy in me and lets be honest, that's not a whole lot of fun so I understand people may have wanted to do other things but I needed support from humans that I thought loved me and unfortunately, it sometimes lacked.
Slowly but surely the phone calls died out, the check in messages stopped and you end up feeling quite alone. You are going through something so horrific that people don't fully understand and you are in this mental and physical battle of wanting to speak to friends and family but sometimes you just don't have the energy. My guess is that when some friends called and I didn't pick up a few times, they gave up a bit, understandably. I should have communicated that I appreciate their calls but perhaps I wasn't well enough to talk but please call back in a few days. It is two sided, I could have just as easily picked up the phone but I just felt like whenever I spoke to people my news was all cancer, how bad the side effects were, how sad the whole thing is.... so I didn't want to be the miserable Mary who called up friends just to moan.
I think one of my saddest points was when I was very low and struggling mentally and none of my friends were aware I needed help. I had to message them and ask them to come around as I hadn't seen any of them or talked to any of them in so long and I seriously needed my friends. I think back and just wish that maybe one of them had come and see me sooner to check in on me. I also found that people kind of forgot about you. I was still up for socialising and seeing people but not many people invited me out down the pub like they did before or to general meet-ups.
Lots of friendships seemed to whittle out as the months went on, less phone calls, less messages, less people checking in on how chemo went and a whole lot less of people coming to see you but this wasn't just with friends. I had family who live pretty darn close who I have seen once. I like to think there is a reason for all of this rather than just people get bored... perhaps they have a bad experience with cancer and it hurts them to see you like this or they may not know what to say.... or they are just bad humans who knows! On the topic of not knowing what to say, this one is a minefield! One day someone could tell me I don't look sick and I would be so grateful and feel very proud of myself but the next, the polar opposite. I would be down right offended I don't look ill and think guh why are they belittling my illness. You just can't win! I also had someone tell me they were jealous of my eyebrows (I had about 5 strands at this point) and I nearly burst into tears as I just thought that is just a lie. A note to cancer patients, everything said is from a place of love. People aren't perfect and most of the time just try to say something to cheer you up, yes it can be way off base but they are trying. If you don't like something, educate them and let them know if something upsets you because they wont do it again. The friends that stick around only want to help.
On the flip side of this, my bond with some of my friends has gone to an all new level of love and respect. I have had some people go above and beyond to check in and make sure I have been supported. There are a handful of people that I would not have been able to get through treatment without. Whether that was because they made it a safe space for me to discuss my feelings, drove me to countless appointments, coming to chemo with me, being my plus one to Trekstock & Charity events or just popping over for a coffee and a chin wag. The ones that could see how truly I was struggling and didn't run or think this is too much effort, but stood with me and weathered the storm.
Speaking of Trekstock (a charity that supports young adults with cancer) I have connected and met so many incredible humans because of them that I couldn't be more grateful to the service they provide. Many of these people I have connected with on Instagram and then because of Trekstock creating safe and fun events for us to get together to either learn, encourage or try something new I have formed an incredible bond with these girls. The rather appropriately & self named group, Badass Babes, are a fiercely supportive group of girls who have either have experienced cancer or are still undergoing treatment and they just so perfectly 'GET IT!'
My parents of course have been with me every step of the way, they have been supports, taxi services, chefs, counselors, hot water bottle providers and now I will forever remain their favorite child (sorry siblings!). Their lives have been put on hold to ensure that mine is comfortable. I also couldn't have gotten through this without my boyfriend. It is amazing how something can push so many people away but truly bring you closer to others. He has been a stream of positive energy and is the one I cry to. He can somehow tell me I am beautiful even when chemo has sucked all the life out of me. He has never complained about picking me up and driving us everywhere, never complained when I have run out of energy and needed to go home and among a million other things he warms up my side of the bed before I get in!
I can safely say that I am coming out the back of cancer with a smaller friendship group than when I went in, but the way I love and appreciate these friends is on another level. I appreciate how even when I cannot provide the effort they doubled theirs.
Top tips on how to help a friend with cancer:
- Offer your help, be specific. Don't just say, 'let me know what I can do' or 'let me know if you need anything.' The likelihood of someone giving you a list of things they need are pretty rare. Suggest ways you can help, 'Shall I come round and walk your dog,' 'I am going to the shops, what do you need,' 'I can drive you to the hospital,' or 'I can take you the chemo, when is your next one.' Obviously don't be pushy but letting the person know what you are capable of doing is so helpful
- Be there for them - we don't all live close by so make sure your friend knows you are at the other end of the phone if they need you. They wont want to talk all the time and texting can also be very difficult but the odd text every couple of days to say, I am here for you works wonders.
- Send cards, letters or postcards - my cousin sent me a card for every chemo and it was the highlight of my chemo days!
- Go with them to support groups - I found Trekstock (a charity that supports young adults with cancer) and friends took me and held my hand until I found my confidence.
- Pop by - expect them to cancel, expect to not be round their house for a while, but human interaction with the outside world is sooooo crucial. You can feel very isolated going through cancer treatment so knowing you have friends to let you know what's going on is amazing.
- Take cues from your friend - some people want to talk about cancer others don't - just ask them
- Continue to offer support after the initial diagnosis - the hardest part can be when they have finished their treatment. Don't forget them, if you were super keen to help at the beginning continue that. I know treatment is lengthy but having support at the start that dwindles off is so sad.
- Don't always treat them like a cancer patient, see if they fancy going to the pub or going out somewhere social but offer to drive them.
- I am not going to lie... gifts are always pretty fun to receive too haha
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