It's ok to not be ok

It's been a while since I have sat down and taken the time to blog and I think that's for many reasons. I finished treatment in February and received the amazing news of Remission shortly after but instead of being elated every day and living life to the full.... I am a bit lost. In fact that is the understatement of the century - I have lost the dam plot!

You finish treatment and expect to feel better and full of beans and you don't. What's worse is that everyone around thinks the same too. You get the constant comments of 'well you're better now' or 'well you don't have cancer anymore' and all that feels like is that person was only there because you had cancer and now you don't, they kind of don't care anymore. I wish that when I finished treatment I did go back to normal but instead I am still bald, still weak, still battling fatigue, still have painful stomach lining problems, my joints are more painful than ever and on top of that I now have a fun addition - my mental health is taking a trip downtown.

I seem to be in what feels like no-man's land. This strange area where I am nowhere near up and running but have been dropped. I no longer have the support or routine from my hospital, the camaraderie of chemo day, the check in of friends, the offer of support and lifts or anyone really wanting to still do the little things for me. Now I am not saying this because I am a diva and believe the world revolves around me but it is tough going from everyone wanting to help ... to poof! I think personally the hardest part is people no longer believing I am sick or suffering. I am super chuffed I don't have cancer obviously but when people turn around and say (even as a joke sometimes) well you don't have cancer anymore ... it really knocks me back. No I don't have cancer but try putting your body through 6 months of aggressive chemotherapy and bounce back the next day!

{If anyone is reading this and has a friend or family member who has finished cancer treatment, please take this on board. They have appreciated all the support and help you have provided them and they just need a teeny bit more. Just an extra bit of love to keep them going. Most people become depressed and have battles with their mental health post treatment, please help them feel less alone.}

Mental health, oh the joys. This is a battle I have faced in the past and one that is rearing its ugly head again. When I was diagnosed I was adamant I was not going to let my brain get the better of me and thankfully I managed to complete my treatment with my mental health still in somewhat decent shape. This isn't to say I didn't have meltdowns and down days but I managed to focus on the positives and find the fun. Since finishing treatment this has been slightly different. It feels as though I have buckled down the hatches throughout chemo and have finally been able to lift the latches and let all of the emotion in. It is like my brain is only just coming to terms with what I have been through and by allowing to process everything, I am starting to sink. I wake up feeling low and upset, I am struggling to sleep at night staying up till all hours of the morning, I am being outwardly negative, my eating habits are getting worse and I cry... a lot! The worst part is I feel like can acknowledge the storm clouds are rolling in but there is nothing I can do about it. I spend all day glued to social media but the minute someone messages me or calls me, I don't want to communicate. The idea of holding a conversation with someone is like nails in my stomach. It's frustrating to know what you are doing 'wrong' and not being able to snap out of it.  I complain that people have somewhat forgotten I still need support but when someone does want to chat, I close up. Some part of me thinks it's because all I want to do is cry, moan, complain and I don't want people to get sick of it so, I just don't speak to anyone.

On top of the low feelings I am battling quite badly with anxiety, so much so that the smallest changes are throwing me off course! I am so keen to make the most of this time off and to involve myself in as many projects as I can but even if my energy is allowing me to, something in my head is stopping me. I feel overwhelmed and in a constant state of panic. I wanted to get my bloods done and see my doctor because I haven't been feeling right and when they said 'no problem let's get you in tomorrow' I lost the plot. My head started going round in circles of it is too soon, I don't want to go back to the hospital, I am too busy, I am too tired.... I CAN'T! It seems to just be a negative flow chart of emotion in my head rather than seeing the positives in any situation.

I feel like I just want to run away, by myself. Maybe take a trip where I can just disappear for a week and reboot. I want to try and focus on having an outlet, somewhere I can express myself and hopefully by writing this blog it will help. I apologise in advance for them being negative as I know it is never a fun read but it is for my personal outlet and if one person gets any help, even if it is just to know they aren't alone, then that works for me! I made a point of FINALLY taking on board the information that I advocate and I went to see my GP, I have asked for counselling and I am admitting I cannot cope at the minute and I need help but I just wish there was a quick fix!

Right my venting is over - now let's have a look at the practical side shall we?!

There are a million different things that go on in your head after treatment so I wanted to look at a few. Firstly, the biggest:

1. F*CK, will the cancer come back?
So many of us experience this fear when we have finished our treatment. Any feeling of pain, an ache, a slightest feeling of a symptom you experienced before automatically makes you think you have cancer. I have been getting headaches and I am adamant I have brain cancer (no joke, I am getting tests next week!) There is no clear definitive answer from your doctor that can tell you the cancer wont return so it is normal to worry that it will but if you are experiencing problems like not being able to concentrate, being irritable or not sleeping well (these could go in time) it could mean you are struggling with anxiety - make sure you address this.

2. Stranded on a desert island with me, myself and I - Loneliness
Isolation, the very unfortunate but common feeling among us cancer buddies. In terms of when we finish treatment we can be lonely because we miss our routine, the relationships with the nurses, changes to your appearance, changes in support because you feel no one understands how you feel- all of these can make us feel like we are on our own a bit. I always feel lonely because I can talk about some of my feelings but find it difficult to really delve into the truth of it all with people. I feel uncomfortable, awkward. Why would others want to hear me moan.... As hard as this is, talk to people. Try and find people in a similar situation who 'get it.'

3. Loss of confidence
To many this may sound shallow but I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel pretty and I certainly don't feel girlie anymore. You can feel like you lose your identity. You also can feel like your role at work can change - I am going back an until I have full strength I will be doing the simple and gentle jobs so I feel a bit useless. Cancer can just make you all round vulnerable! So how can we address this, it will take time to build your confidence but you will get there. Set manageable goals, break up larger goals into smaller steps. If you are anxious about going places, go for 30 minutes or an hour and build up to a day and then a night away. Small steps and take each day at a time.

4. The dreaded D word - Depression
Another club that no one wants to be a part of, yet so many of us seem to have a membership! This is normal, you are not alone. So many people said that the hardest part will be when you finish treatment and they were not lying. Having low feelings and feelings of sadness are normal and for a lot of people they get better after a few weeks but if any of the following symptoms last more than a couple of weeks, please go and get help and talk to someone:
- low moods frequently
- not being able to enjoy things
- losing interest in things you enjoy
- problems sleeping
- feeling helpless
- problems concentrating
- thinking about suicide


Ways to look after yourself:

• TALK ABOUT IT
• Be kind to yourself - do what makes you feel good
• Eat well and be active - go for a walk or I find yoga helps a lot
• Counselling 
• Join a support group
• Macmillan - Helpline: 0808 808 0000
• Mind
• Your GP
• Samaritans - 116 123
• Online community - Social Media
• Write it down - make a list of feelings, good and bad

*Please speak up before it gets too much.