Dare to Live
Brave... This is a word I hear often these days. Not because I am challenging myself to climb Everest or perhaps even learning the trade of a lion tamer. No, I'm brave because I am endeavouring to live. That's it essentially. I am brave because I am continuing to seek medical treatment for a disease trying to kill me. Don't get me wrong, I am not being precious over people saying it but it has got me thinking. Are we braver now, because of cancer, or perhaps have we just realised our time is limited?
I have a bucket list the size of my arm and every year I tell myself I am going to start ticking things off but as each month passes, I end up waving it until next year. Whether it's to go travelling, learn to fly a plane, buy the designer handbag, face my fears of public speaking, find my life purpose, skydive or just push myself out of my comfort zone regularly, I just end up dismissing it thinking I have all the time in the world for these things. Do I? I am not actually too sure I do anymore. With my first line treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma failing me and now having another year of my life stolen from me I am questioning whether I do have all the time in the world for my bucket list of big ideas.
Being faced with the possibility of dying at 27 makes you question what you want out of life. For the first time I have realised that our time is limited. Am I happy where I am at this moment? Is my career what I thought it would be, is it enough for me? Have I seen as much of the world as I would like to? Should I say yes to more opportunities that come my way? Am I putting myself out there enough? Have I discovered my purpose in the world? So many questions! That cliché quote that is captioned under many an Insta photo 'Life is Short' all of a sudden has effect. Finding the answer to all life's biggest questions will have to wait until I am slightly closer to finishing treatment but for now I am looking at the more immediate Georgie. How has cancer changed me so far, how has it altered my perception of life and bravery?
When I got diagnosed the first time I decided I wanted to be involved within the community to raise awareness and give back and through this I was lucky to be a part of many exciting opportunities and projects but I had to be brave and say yes. If someone had asked me pre-cancer to do a talk at an event or be in a photoshoot, I probably would have said yes and then ultimately backed out. I would have liked the idea but chickened out last minute. But with this new found commitment to the 'Life is Short' phrase - I did it! The realisation that putting yourself out there maybe isn't as scary as you once thought. It's the same thought process I went through before committing to starting my vlog for this part of my journey. Many times I have sat and thought, why would anyone be interested in what you are going through or find any use for it, but I quieted those negative voices and thought well if I don't put myself out there and do what I WANT TO DO then what is the point in life - why on earth should I go through life scared that people may not like what I want to achieve. Maybe this cancer malarkey is making me slightly more fearless after all. I also think you are forced into so many terrifying situations that you'd never have experienced without cancer, so the things that used to scare you, now seem irrelevant. It has never been a choice to face these fears but when some of your daily activities include being stared and pointed at in public because you're bald, have no eyebrows or wearing a face mask, have to have chemicals pumped into your body to destroy everything inside, be told you have an aggressive stage 4 cancer, be told you won't be able to have children, you're too weak to leave your bed, you have countless operations, needles, drains, scars.... something like talking in front of a group of really lovely people doesn't seem so terrifying.
It's a funny old thing for me though, as I sit here and preach on my new enlightened vision that life is too short, when I first reached remission - I didn't really do anything. I know my remission was only a few months but I didn't set about booking the trip of a lifetime like I saw my friends doing, I didn't really treat myself to anything that I have always really wanted... I just sat back and plodded along. I know I was still in recovery but all I did was sit at home and think 'oh I have time to book that or do that.' The irony of it all is rather bitter sweet because thankfully nothing too dramatic was booked so I didn't need to cancel an awful lot!
Now here I am talking about how fearless cancer has made me and how I no longer sweat the small stuff.... Give a gal cancer twice, that will really cement in the new mind set! This time instead of just thinking that life is too short or whether or not I am any braver in reality, I really want to think about how cancer is changing and affecting the way I think and act. And can cancer actually do that? The answer is no - cancer isn't changing me, I won't allow cancer to be the catalyst for this. Cancer, as an entity, is not going to alter or change me in any way. Other than you know make my hair fall out, make me a walking germ target or advance my brain activity to that of a 90 year old... other than that, it won't change me! The way I see it is it's the experience as a whole that is altering me because I think that's what trauma does to people. It changes them and that can go either way. You could become more of a recluse perhaps, more introverted or worried or you can grab the bull by its horns and make whatever you can out of it. Let it evolve you. For me, I see myself evolving into a wise old owl, perhaps with a moustache and a monocle....
So in conclusion, no I am not fearless, not in the slightest. But this experience has given me a new perspective. The cliché term that life is too short is now apparent in all its forms. Yes I am only 27 but on the same thought, I am 27 and am looking a disease in the face that is trying to take my life and I need to consider what is important to me. The people, the activities, the achievements... This 'journey' without a doubt has changed the way I think, I mean it has changed me as a whole person. I still get frustrated if I forget what I went to the shop for or the little niggles of life but I have learnt to appreciate. Appreciate the time we have, appreciate those in our lives and to appreciate myself. Don't let the last thing you say to someone be unpleasant, be kind, make an effort for the ones you love and pay kindness forward. No, having cancer doesn't automatically mean you have no fears or that you no longer stress the small stuff but what it does is it shows you a value of your life.
So from now on I am going to dare to live and never stop doing so. Unless I need a nap because that's pretty often....
I have a bucket list the size of my arm and every year I tell myself I am going to start ticking things off but as each month passes, I end up waving it until next year. Whether it's to go travelling, learn to fly a plane, buy the designer handbag, face my fears of public speaking, find my life purpose, skydive or just push myself out of my comfort zone regularly, I just end up dismissing it thinking I have all the time in the world for these things. Do I? I am not actually too sure I do anymore. With my first line treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma failing me and now having another year of my life stolen from me I am questioning whether I do have all the time in the world for my bucket list of big ideas.
Being faced with the possibility of dying at 27 makes you question what you want out of life. For the first time I have realised that our time is limited. Am I happy where I am at this moment? Is my career what I thought it would be, is it enough for me? Have I seen as much of the world as I would like to? Should I say yes to more opportunities that come my way? Am I putting myself out there enough? Have I discovered my purpose in the world? So many questions! That cliché quote that is captioned under many an Insta photo 'Life is Short' all of a sudden has effect. Finding the answer to all life's biggest questions will have to wait until I am slightly closer to finishing treatment but for now I am looking at the more immediate Georgie. How has cancer changed me so far, how has it altered my perception of life and bravery?
When I got diagnosed the first time I decided I wanted to be involved within the community to raise awareness and give back and through this I was lucky to be a part of many exciting opportunities and projects but I had to be brave and say yes. If someone had asked me pre-cancer to do a talk at an event or be in a photoshoot, I probably would have said yes and then ultimately backed out. I would have liked the idea but chickened out last minute. But with this new found commitment to the 'Life is Short' phrase - I did it! The realisation that putting yourself out there maybe isn't as scary as you once thought. It's the same thought process I went through before committing to starting my vlog for this part of my journey. Many times I have sat and thought, why would anyone be interested in what you are going through or find any use for it, but I quieted those negative voices and thought well if I don't put myself out there and do what I WANT TO DO then what is the point in life - why on earth should I go through life scared that people may not like what I want to achieve. Maybe this cancer malarkey is making me slightly more fearless after all. I also think you are forced into so many terrifying situations that you'd never have experienced without cancer, so the things that used to scare you, now seem irrelevant. It has never been a choice to face these fears but when some of your daily activities include being stared and pointed at in public because you're bald, have no eyebrows or wearing a face mask, have to have chemicals pumped into your body to destroy everything inside, be told you have an aggressive stage 4 cancer, be told you won't be able to have children, you're too weak to leave your bed, you have countless operations, needles, drains, scars.... something like talking in front of a group of really lovely people doesn't seem so terrifying.
It's a funny old thing for me though, as I sit here and preach on my new enlightened vision that life is too short, when I first reached remission - I didn't really do anything. I know my remission was only a few months but I didn't set about booking the trip of a lifetime like I saw my friends doing, I didn't really treat myself to anything that I have always really wanted... I just sat back and plodded along. I know I was still in recovery but all I did was sit at home and think 'oh I have time to book that or do that.' The irony of it all is rather bitter sweet because thankfully nothing too dramatic was booked so I didn't need to cancel an awful lot!
Now here I am talking about how fearless cancer has made me and how I no longer sweat the small stuff.... Give a gal cancer twice, that will really cement in the new mind set! This time instead of just thinking that life is too short or whether or not I am any braver in reality, I really want to think about how cancer is changing and affecting the way I think and act. And can cancer actually do that? The answer is no - cancer isn't changing me, I won't allow cancer to be the catalyst for this. Cancer, as an entity, is not going to alter or change me in any way. Other than you know make my hair fall out, make me a walking germ target or advance my brain activity to that of a 90 year old... other than that, it won't change me! The way I see it is it's the experience as a whole that is altering me because I think that's what trauma does to people. It changes them and that can go either way. You could become more of a recluse perhaps, more introverted or worried or you can grab the bull by its horns and make whatever you can out of it. Let it evolve you. For me, I see myself evolving into a wise old owl, perhaps with a moustache and a monocle....
So in conclusion, no I am not fearless, not in the slightest. But this experience has given me a new perspective. The cliché term that life is too short is now apparent in all its forms. Yes I am only 27 but on the same thought, I am 27 and am looking a disease in the face that is trying to take my life and I need to consider what is important to me. The people, the activities, the achievements... This 'journey' without a doubt has changed the way I think, I mean it has changed me as a whole person. I still get frustrated if I forget what I went to the shop for or the little niggles of life but I have learnt to appreciate. Appreciate the time we have, appreciate those in our lives and to appreciate myself. Don't let the last thing you say to someone be unpleasant, be kind, make an effort for the ones you love and pay kindness forward. No, having cancer doesn't automatically mean you have no fears or that you no longer stress the small stuff but what it does is it shows you a value of your life.
So from now on I am going to dare to live and never stop doing so. Unless I need a nap because that's pretty often....
Georgie, you're fantastic, with all the stuff you're going through you have the brightest smile and are the kindest person I know - even though you might be feeling shit, you've always got time for the old bird that lives next door to you :) Keep going girl you can do beat this, you did it once you can do it again!
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